11 In the Soup

11. IN THE SOUP Camicazi watched with round, scared eyes as Hiccup fell past her, arms flailing wildly. In ordinary circumstances, that would have been the end of Hiccup, for the Great Hall was fully twenty metres high, and he SHOULD have broken his neck falling all the way from the very top. But, in a series of tremendous strokes of luck, the traditional Freya'sday Eve dish was Onion Soup, and on Hysteria it was served in a truly gigantic cauldron, two metres wide and a metre deep. This pot was sitting on the table directly below the falling Hiccup, and he plunged straight into it, bottom first. If the soup had been any hotter, Hiccup would have been burned to death, but it had been on the table for some time, and had cooled to a pleasant swimming temperature. If the Hysterics had been any fonder of Onion Soup, it would not have been deep enough to break Hiccup's fall, but the Hysterics only served Onion Soup because it was the traditional thing to do, and had hardly touched it. So Hiccup merely bumped his bottom gently on the bottom of the cauldron, and rose to the surface,

coughing and spluttering, his hair full of onions. There was a shocked silence. Nothing puts a quicker stop to a jolly meal than a stranger and a great deal of snow suddenly falling on to the banqueting table. The Hysterics sat, amazed, spitting snow out of their beards, staring at the unexpected visitor gasping in their soup. Norbert the Nutjob was the first to recover, shaking the snow off and leaping to his feet. 'ASSASSINS!' he screamed. 'SEIZE HIM!' Twenty Warriors sprang on to the table. Hiccup tried to swim out of trouble, but his back-stroke couldn't make up for the fact that he was entirely surrounded. Two large Hysterics dragged him out of the soup, and dropped him, dripping and gloopy, in front of Norbert the Nutjob. 'Are there more of you?' barked Norbert the Nutjob, brandishing the blackened blade of his axe in front of Hiccup's face.

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Hiccup shook his head, spraying soup in all directions. Norbert the Nutjob and his Warriors peered upwards. Camicazi was hanging way up in the darkness of the ceiling, and her black clothes came in handy, for they could not see her. 'SEARCH THE ROOF AND THE VILLAGE!' screamed Norbert the Nutjob. He turned to face Hiccup again. Norbert the Nutjob had a tic in his left eye, and it was jerking around frantically like a fly doing a jig. 'I'm sure I recognise you…' he said, using the edge of a nearby Warrior's cloak to wipe the soup off Hiccup's face. 'Great Thumbnails of Thor! It's the revolting Hooligan worm who shot an arrow in my Royal Bottom yesterday!' This wasn't a very good start. 'How do you do?' gulped Hiccup politely. 'I DO NOT VERY WELL!' screamed Norbert the Nutjob. 'MY BUTTOCKS ARE BURNING!' The Warriors came panting back into the Hall, and said they had searched both the roof and the village, and there were no more Assassins to be found. One Eye and Toothless must have flapped off to hide in the darkness.

Norbert the Nutjob looked rather cross. 'You're a very SMALL Assassin,' he said huffily, removing Hiccup's sword and stuffing it in his own sword-belt. 'And so, come to think of it, was the one who attacked us with you yesterday, the one who skied like a grandmother with knee trouble. I know I've been out of the loop for the last fifteen years, but do the Hooligans really think they can assassinate me with CHILDREN?' 'I'm not an Assassin,' pleaded Hiccup quaveringly. 'LIAR!' screeched Norbert the Nutjob, and he lurched forward as if to kill Hiccup with the axe right there and then. And then he calmed himself, and smiled again, and settled himself back on his throne with a wince. 'So if you're not an Assassin,' smiled Norbert, 'what are you doing here on Hysteria, shooting me with arrows, and poisoning my soup?' 'I'm looking,' said Hiccup, 'for THE POTATO.' There was an astonished silence. 'Ssssssh!' said Norbert the Nutjob, looking over his shoulder as if walls had ears. 'You're not supposed to NAME the Vegetable-that-No-one-Dares-Name…' 'Of course,' said Hiccup craftily, 'now that I'm here I realise that it was all just fairy stories. There's no such thing as a potato, is there? Because there's no such

place as America… the earth is as flat as a pancake, and if you sail to the west eventually you just fall off the end of it…' 'RUBBISH!' shrieked Norbert the Nutjob. 'KILL HIM!' he screamed, his eyes bulging, his mouth foaming, before, with an enormous effort, he gained control of himself again. 'No, educate him, then kill him!' said Norbert the Nutjob, twiddling his fancy moustaches to soothe himself. 'The earth is as round as a circle, and a circle has no end,' explained Norbert carefully. 'There is such a thing as America, I know because I've been there… and as for the Vegetable-that-No-one-Dares-Name… I don't know what you're talking about…' 'That's because there's no such thing,' repeated Hiccup. 'There IS such a thing,' insisted Norbert, trying to keep his temper. 'Isn't,' said Hiccup. 'Is!' 'Isn't.' 'IS!' 'Isn't.' 'IS, IS, IS, IS, IS!!!!!' yelled Norbert the Nutjob, twiddling his fancy moustaches so hard they got