6 The Greatest Showparret

The Greatest Showparrot Claudette had only invited a talonful of guests to her rehearsal, so the theater wasn't busy at all. Once inside, Ebenezer went up to the royal box, whilst Bethany descended into the stalls because she wanted to sit with the other children from the orphanage. Specifically, Bethany wanted to sit with Geoffrey. At this point, their friendship

existed pretty much entirely through comic recommendations. "Here you go," said Bethany, removing a comic from her backpack. "It's that demon tarantula one I was telling you about." "Marvelous. In return, I offer you one about a detective who's disguised as a tortoise," said Geoffrey. Bethany flicked through a few pages of Sergeant Tortoise: Fast Thinker, Slow Walker and immediately decided that she was going to like it. She shoved the comic into her backpack and changed the topic of conversation to cover the new director of the orphanage. "What do you think of Timothy, then?" she asked.

"Oh, fine, fine. He has an unusual shape of spectacles," said Geoffrey. Geoffrey was a well-mannered young man who had been raised to always look out for the best in people, even if the best thing one could find was a mildly interesting shape of spectacles. Bethany was maddened by Geoffrey's refusal to speak badly of others. "I think he's a weak fart who wouldn't be able to lead a mouse to a bit of cheese," she said. "It would perhaps be useful if he was a little stronger with some of the children—especially Gloria. I'm sure he's trying his best, though," said Geoffrey, who was getting as close as he could to insulting another person. "What's this Gloria like? Is she worse than me?" asked Bethany, feeling oddly

competitive. By way of response, Geoffrey held up his hands. They were covered with cuts and bandages. "Gloria made us all sew her a sequin jacket. None of us were very good at using the machine," he explained. "Why did she want you to make her a sequin jacket?" asked Bethany. "You'll see in the briefest of moments," said Geoffrey, standing up. "Sorry, but Harold and I have to prepare the smoke machine. We've all been forced to help Gloria hijack the rehearsal with a surprise performance." Geoffrey ran up the aisle and climbed onto the stage—apologizing to the rest of the audience as he did so. A row down, a boy by

the name of Harold Chicken did the same thing, but without quite so many apologies. Geoffrey and Harold had been unable to find a smoke machine at such short notice, so they improvised by setting a couple of newspapers on fire and running around the front of the curtain. Meanwhile, the rest of the children from the orphanage started drumrolling to announce Gloria's arrival—bashing empty cookie tins with splintery chopsticks as a substitute for drum kits. The drumroll grew louder and louder, and the newspaper smoke grew thicker and thicker, until Gloria Cussock marched onto the stage. She was wearing a badly sewn sequin jacket, paired with a top hat that was too big for her and a set of tap shoes, which left deep nail marks in the floor. Bethany

wanted to shove worms up her nostrils already. "You lucky, lucky people," began Gloria. Her voice was dripping with affectation, as if every word she spoke had been practiced several times in the mirror. "For tonight you will have not just one performance, but two! And I'm so sorry, but mine is going to be much better than the parrot's." She performed a self-written song entitled "Gloria the Glorious" whilst Geoffrey and Harold ran around the stage fanning away the smoke they had created. It was a song-and-dance number, where neither the song nor the dance brought joy to the audience. "My ears is hurtsing!" said Amy Clue, a toddler from the orphanage who was seated on the other side of where Geoffrey had been