7 The Big Feed

The Big Feed For one of the first times in his life, Ebenezer had a problem. And it was a big one. The big problem was that Bethany was not big enough. If he wanted to keep living his charmed, wrinkle-free life, then he had to find a way of putting meat on her bones as quickly as possible. As Ebenezer walked down the stairs, he wondered whether there was a way of getting

rid of Bethany by the end of the day. He thought of a few ideas, but none of them were really winners. His first thought was that he should sneak into the hospital, steal some needles, and inject several packages of chocolate cookies into Bethany. It looked like it was going to be a solid plan, right up until the moment Ebenezer remembered that he was squeamish around any sort of medical equipment. His next idea also looked like it was going to be a smasher. In order to avoid having to spend three days with Bethany, Ebenezer decided that he would try and trick the beast. He would get Bethany to wear several layers of clothes—at least seven sweaters and three and a half pairs of trousers—and then present her

to the beast, claiming that she was now the right size to eat. Upon closer inspection, however, there were two clear problems with this plan. First of all, Ebenezer would struggle to persuade Bethany to wear seven sweaters and three and a half pairs of trousers. And even if he did succeed in getting her to wear such a ridiculous outfit, he would find it impossible to persuade the beast, after the event, that a child could taste so much like a pile of clothes. The beast would probably get cross, and vomit fire and hammers at him. Ebenezer's third idea came to him while he was standing on the eleventh floor. He paused for a moment to look at the pieces of art that lined the walls.

The eleventh floor was home to some of Ebenezer's favorite paintings. It contained the picture of the lady with her nose put on backward, and the one of the married couple who didn't look very happy to see each other. On the wall farthest away from the staircase, there was also the one with the skeleton head that was smoking a cigarette. Ebenezer didn't know a lot about art, and he didn't really care much for the paintings themselves. He liked them because he knew that each one meant a lot to other people. With the help of the beast, and its ability to vomit out piles of money, Ebenezer had managed to beat dozens of other gallery and museum owners to make sure that these paintings belonged to him and no one else. It

made him happy to think that he owned something that everyone else wanted. Even though Ebenezer was no great fan of art, there was one picture on the eleventh floor that he really liked. It was a small, book-sized portrait called The Golden Boy. The picture always brought joy to Ebenezer. And now it brought him an idea. As he stood in front of the golden boy, Ebenezer was struck by his third, and most sensible, solution to the Bethany problem. He decided that it was time to be patient. The golden boy, with his happy smile and sparkling eyes, seemed to be telling Ebenezer that it was all going to be all right. He seemed to be saying, Don't worry, you handsome devil, you can last three days with this wretched child.

Ebenezer nodded in agreement with the picture. "Yes," he said. "Yes, I am a handsome devil, and yes, I can do it! After all, what's three days in the life of a 511-year-old anyway?" Ebenezer continued his descent, now far happier than he was before. As he made his way down the remaining flights of stairs, he saw that Bethany had been into every bedroom she could find and had made a mess in each one. She had defeathered pillows, she had crumpled bedsheets, she had thrown clothes out of wardrobes and cupboards, she had left muddy shoe marks on the carpets, and she had even pushed over the odd item of furniture. Ebenezer should have been trembling with fury, but he wasn't. The memory of the golden