6 The Secret Diary of a Supervillain's Cat

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The Secret Diary of a Supervillain's CAT MONDAY Dear Diary, Would you believe I've been stuck in the pet- shop window for a whole week?

Oh! The noise! The animals! The waft of wee! I had all but given up hope-woe was me!- when first thing this morning a mysterious bald man in a fetching beige evil-dictator suit waltzes into the shop. He immediately points at me. Who can blame him? I, Candelabra, am by far the most beautiful fluffy white cat in the shop. If not the entire world! "I lost my last moggy in an unfortunate accident in an underwater base," he says in an accent that is impossible to place. Russia? Switzerland? Birmingham? "Accidents happen," mutters the pet-shop owner. He clearly hasn't been listening to a word the mysterious

bald man has been saying. "Does the cat hiss?" asks the bald man. "Does it kiss?" asks the pet-shop owner, looking rather concerned. "No, hiss, you fool! I need a good hisser." "A good kisser? I would strongly advise against kissing the cat, sir. You don't know where it's been!" "No! Hisser!" "Oh yes, Candelabra hisses! Look!" With that, the pet-shop owner yanks my tail, which he knows I loathe with a passion. "Hiss!" I hiss. "I will take it!" says the bald man. "It's one hundred quid. Cash!" One hundred quid seems awfully cheap to me. I thought I would go for squillions! Well, the bald man has other ideas as he pulls out a laser gun and ZAPS the pet-shop owner. "ARGH!" ZAP! The pet-shop owner disappears into thin air. WHOOSH!

Well, I'm beginning to suspect this mysterious bald man is not as nice as he looks. And he doesn't look that nice! "My name is Dr X," he says. "And I am Candelabra!" I reply, reaching out a paw. We shake hands. "Welcome to my evil world!" he says. I smile weakly. Dr X puts me in a solid gold cat box (very chic but bum-numbingly uncomfortable), and I am taken by helicopter (convenient but noisy) to a secret island (pretty but remote). The island rears out of the sea as we approach. WHOOSH! "Well, I never!" I say, although Dr X cannot hear me over the roar of the blades. "WHAT?" "WELL, I NEVER!" "WHAT?" "NEVER MIND!" "WHAT?"

It turns out the island is the top-secret base of Dr X's top-secret criminal organisation, XXX. XX specialises in extortion, blackmail and revenge. The people who work at XXX seem nice enough, though. They while away the hours practising karate, wrestling and shooting flamethrowers at each other. I'm not sure what exactly they are practising for, but it looks exhausting. Not for me, dear. Thank goodness, being a cat, I'm not expected to join in! Dr X takes me to his secret lair and puts an absolutely gorge diamond collar round my neck. (I shudder to think of the price, but I am worth it, babes.) "Diamonds are forever," he purrs. "Unless you displease me." "Why, thank you, Doc!" I say.