9 Mrs Splatt's Hall of Horrors

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MRS SPLATT'S Hall of Horrors "EVIL" IS A STRONG WORD, but it is not strong enough to describe Mrs Splatt. She was a dinner lady who ruled with an iron fist. Literally. She only had one real hand-the other was made of metal. Legend had it that she'd stuck her hand in a tray of her

own gravy to retrieve a spoon, and the gravy was so toxic her hand had melted away. FIZZLE! FAZZLE! FUZZLE! Mrs Splatt's metal hand wasn't the only body part that had been added to her over the years. Oh no. One of her ears was rubber. It was shiny and much bigger than the other, and she couldn't hear out of it. The tale was she'd sliced her own ear off by mistake when she was chopping liver with an axe. CHUNK! Her left eye was made of glass. SLOP SCHOOL lore had it that it had popped out when she was beating a hunk of particularly tough meat into shape. As she saw it roll across the counter, she assumed it was a gobstopper, and swallowed it whole. GULP! Splatt also had a wooden leg. The story passed down through generations of pupils was that their dinner lady had fallen into a vat of her own piping-hot custard, and it had burned off. SIZZLE! SAZZLE! SUZZLE!

Splatt also wore a frightful black wiry wig. Legend had it that she had burned all her hair and eyebrows off when she opened the oven door to take out a casserole she was cooking and it exploded. Underneath her wig, Splatt was as bald as an egg. She would whip off her wig when she needed to give one of her ancient pots or pans a jolly good scrub. SCRUBBLE! SCRIBBLE! SCRABBLE! As a result, it was full of burnt black bits and greasy brown bits. Splatt had false teeth. The story was she'd lost them biting into one of her own rock cakes. Her rock cakes were infamous for being harder than concrete.

You might as well bite into a building. It would actually be tastier. Splatt's false teeth rattled in her mouth. RITTLE! ROTTLE! RUTTLE! Sometimes they even flew out when she shouted at someone. "COME BACK 'ERE, YOU VERMIN...!"* DOINK! "OUCH!" *She liked to call the children "vermin" even though diseased rodents were one of the main ingredients in her dinners. Mrs Splatt had been the dinner lady at SLOP SCHOOL for longer than anyone could remember. No one knew her age. She certainly looked ancient. Some put her in her eighties, others in her hundreds. A handful of children believed she may have been alive for thousands of years, like one of the undead, unable to die, destined to stalk the Earth for all eternity. That may well be true. You might be interested to find out that the world's worst dinner ladies are all part of a secret society. S.S.O.D.D.L. That stands for Secret Society of Dreadful Dinner Ladies

S.S.O.D.D.L. meets up every Sunday night around midnight at a top-secret location* *I am not able to reveal this location to you. If I did, I would have to go into hiding, as dinner ladies would track me down and force me to eat a tonne of boiled beetroot. just before the school week begins. It is a chance for them to share disgusting recipes, swap cooking utensils (which double as instruments of torture) and elect a new supreme leader. Mrs Splatt has been the supreme leader of S.S.O.D.D.L. for fifty years. Despite the other dinner ladies being ferocious, no one ever dared challenge her. Would you?