8 The Incredible Bulk

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THE INCREDIBLE BULK MR BULK WAS AN enormous oaf of a man, as wide as he was tall- like a hot-air balloon in a tracksuit. The teacher wore a tracksuit to school every day, but not because he exerted himself in any way. No, it was because he taught Sports.

And Sports teachers have to wear tracksuits even if they are less active than a sloth. Bulk had a different-coloured one for each day of the week. Monday: flamingo pink... Tuesday: electric blue... Wednesday: deep purple... Thursday: canary yellow... Friday: postbox red... To complete his look, he had a bushy moustache, a mullet haircut and a huge gold medallion nestling on his hairy chest. Mr Bulk thought he was the coolest teacher around. Sadly, no one agreed. All the boys at TWADDLE SCHOOL laughed at him behind his back. "HA! HA! HA!"

They had a nickname for him that had been passed from generation to generation. THE INCREDIBLE BULK It was cruel, but he certainly loved his food. The teacher always had something big and meaty on the go. A million sausage rolls later, he was ginormous. Now, despite not having the appearance of a natural athlete, Mr Bulk would spend the whole of his lessons making wild boasts about his sporting achievements. "I could have won the Wimbledon tennis championships," he would tell his pupils as he devoured a pork pie. "Even the doubles, playing on my own. Two against one. I am that good. Game, set and match! DOOSH!"

"The England football team begged me to be captain for the World Cup Final. But I am on playground duties on Fridays so I couldn't make it. GOAL!" he proclaimed as he sprayed Cornish pasty crumbs all over the kids. SPLIT! SPLAT! SPLUT! "The problem is I am actually too good at boxing. If I got in the ring with the heavyweight champion of the world, it would be all over in one second! I would knock him out with a single punch. BOOM!" he would brag as he polished off a battered sausase. "I am actually banned from playing rugby at international level as it wasn't fair on all the other players. They would just get trampled underfoot by me as I scored goal after goal. I mean TRY! DOOF!"

He always liked to end with a big shout even if it meant the meatball he was munching shot out of his mouth and hit a kid bang in the eye. SPLAT! OUCH!" "Basketball is my number-one sport. I can shoot a hoop from a distance of a mile. With my eyes closed. And my hands tied behind my back. That's why you won't see me playing professional basketball. It is so easy for me it's BORING! SKILLS!" he would crow as he chomped on two sausage rolls at once. "CHOMP! CHUMP!" Now of course the kids at TWADDLE SCHOOL didn't believe a word of all this nonsense. When he finished a story, they would roll their eyes- the only exercise they got. One day, a boy asked, "If you are so brilliant at all these sports, sir, why are you teaching here at TWADDLE? This school has never won a thing!"