5 Doctor Dread

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DOCTOR DREAD & the Chair of a Thousand Farts THIS IS A HORROR STORY. Do you dare to read on? No? Then turn to the next story. Yes? You have been warned, and don't blame me if you have NIGHTMARES!

Doctor Dread was the most horrifying teacher who ever stalked the Earth. He was half man and half MONSTER. The Science teacher revelled in his own horrifying appearance. He loved the fact that all the kids at GRUNGE HILL were terrified of him. The man smirked to himself as they darted out of his way. Doctor Dread's face was permanently scrunched up, like an angry walnut, holding a monocle in place. It looked as if he had just one beady eye, like a Cyclops. He had long ginger sideburns, or "mutton chops". creeping all the way down to his chin. Ginger hair exploded from his nose and ears like WILDFIRE. His teeth were long and pointed like fangs. His nose was a wonderland for warts.

He always wore the same WHITE laboratory coat. Except this WHITE laboratory coat had not been WHITE for centuries, as he never, ever washed it. It was so thick with grime and grease It was actually a deep shade of BROWN. There were so many stains on it... Egg... Brown sauce... Blood... Cream cheese... Custard... Snot... Spaghetti sauce... Drool... Marmalade... Lard... ...that if you dipped it in boiling water you could have made soup.* *A soup that dinner lady Mrs Splatt might serve up. More of her wickedness later in the book. Doctor Dread had sandals on his feet, so he could show off his terrifying toes. They were a sight that would give you a fright, with their long claw-like nails, open sores and rancid foot cheese.

When Doctor Dread marked your homework, it would be returned with all sorts of nasties stuck to it: Snot Drool Dandruff Nasal hair Fingernail grot Foot cheese Earwax Pus A wart A bit of broken tooth Something purple that despite being sent to the laboratory for tests no one knew what it was

So far, so MONSTROUS. But I haven't even told you the most horrifying thing about Doctor Dread yet. His bottom burps. PFT? He blew off ALL the time. His trumps were so frequent they might as well have been continuous. There was less time when Doctor Dread wasn't passing wind than when he was. The slightest movement was enough to make the teacher release his poisonous gas... Sitting down... PFT! Getting up... PFT! Bending over... PFT! Straightening up... PFT! Coughing... PFT!