4 Miss Conceit

MISS CONCEIT, the Human Work of Art HUMDRUM HIGH ART

MISS CONCEIT, the Human Work of Art MISS CONCEIT THOUGHT of herself as a work of art. Though with her electric-blue boots, orange hat, yellow dress, flowing pink scarf and black-and-white tights, she looked more like a Liquorice Allsort. She taught Art at a school that was the definition of ordinary: Humdrum High The school was colourless.

except for one room. The Art room. That was an explosion of colour as Miss Conceit had made it a shrine to herself. Pictures of her adorned the walls. The teacher had "humbly" added herself into the most famous paintings of all time. Here she was as Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa. There she was as Johannes Vermeer's Girl with a Pearl Earring. Frida Kahlo's Self-Portrait with Thorn Necklace and Hummingbird now had Miss Conceit's face staring back at you. Sandro Botticelli's The Birth of Venus was renamed The Birth of Miss Conceit. One of Georgia O'Keeffe's flowers suddenly had Miss Conceit's face right at the centre of it. She became bald for Edvard Munch's The Scream. Vincent van Gogh's famous self-portrait with a bandage on his ear became a portrait of Miss Conceit with a plaster on her ear.

Tamara de Lempicka's Tamara in a Green Bugatti was reimagined as Miss Conceit in a Brown Mini. Perhaps most startling of all was Miss Conceit's addition of herself surfing Katsushika Hokusai's iconic The Great Wave. In the centre of the classroom stood a larger-than-life-size sculpture. It was Michelangelo's David, but now it had her face chiselled on it, and was renamed Miss Conceit's Miss Conceit. All that the children were allowed to paint was her! This she would make them do over and over again until they'd finally captured her-as she called it- "immensetal beautifulness". Her poor pupils missed break-time and lunchtime, had to stay behind for hours after school and even missed weekends until these artworks of herself met her approval. It was as if

she were an Egyptian pharaoh, and they were her slaves, working night and day to immortalise her.* *In ancient Egypt, thousands of slaves died building the pyramids, which were giant tombs for members of the royal family. FREE HISTORY LESSON! One day, there was an announcement on the television news of a nationwide children's art contest. Every school in the country was invited to take part in the Children's Art Competition Knockout, or "C.A.C.K." for short. Miss Conceit was in the staff room when she saw the news. She was so thrilled she spat her coffee all over the headmaster, Mr Dour, who was quietly getting on with his crossword. SPLURT "YUCK!" "YES!" exclaimed Miss Conceit. She began skipping around the staff room. "DA DE DUM DE DUM DI DA!" Soon, everyone at Humdrum High knew how thrilled she was.

She cartwheeled down the corridor. She danced in the dining hall. She pogoed in the playground. She limboed in the library. She HIGH-KICKED in the History classroom. She foxtrotted on the football pitch. She STRUTTED around the Science block. She cha-chaed around the climbing frame. She tiptoed through the toilets.