2 Mr & Mrs Lovey-Dovey

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MR & MRS LOVEY-DOVEY & the Sea of Tears MR LOVEY HAD taught English at St Valentine's School for as long as anyone could remember. He dressed as if all his clothes had been knitted by his elderly mother. Which they were. The man was never seen without his knitted tie, cardigan and tweed suit.

One day, a new History teacher joined the school. Her name was Miss Dovey. She dressed as if she made her clothes out of old curtains. Which she did. The lady favoured floral frocks that went all the way up to her neck, and all the way down to her ankles. The pair were made for each other. On her very first day, Miss Dovey was put on break- time duty. Mr Lovey was too. As all the boys and girls of St Valentine's School played IT these two lovebirds caught their first glimpse of each other. To begin, their shyness prevented them from doing any more than glancing at each other briefly, then looking away. However, soon the looks became longer and longer, as they gazed into each other's eyes.

Red and brown leaves fell from the trees around them. PATTER! A gust of wind swirled their hair into the air. SWIRL! The sound of a dozen violins soared from the music room. DAH-DEE-DAH-DUM! The famous balcony scene from the most romantic play ever written, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, was being rehearsed in the concert hall. "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun."* *It's nearly as romantic as Burt and Sheila's love story in the classic novel Ratburger.

In no time, their hearts were full to bursting. Neither could resist each other a moment longer. Mr Lovey and Miss Dovey opened their arms, and began rushing towards each other. They scampered across the playground like gazelles, knocking small children out of their way. OOF! "OUCH!" OOF! "ARGH!" OOF! "NOOO!"

Eventually the pair embraced. WALLOP! They held on to each other tightly. It was as if they had been searching the world for all eternity, and now they'd both finally found their soulmate. Such was their joy that they both burst into floods of tears. "BOO HOO HOO!" YUCK! Revolting, isn't it? What could be more vomit-inducing than a teacher in the throes of love? PUKE! The answer is simple-two teachers in the throes of love. DOUBLE PUKE! That first meeting was only the beginning. Soon Mr Lovey was always loitering outside the History classroom to blow a kiss to Miss Dovey. "MWAH!" HURL!