9 Lord Grandiose

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LORD GRANDIOSE LORD GRANVILLE GRANDIOSE was an upper-class twit. His father before him had been an upper-class twit. And his father before him had also been an upper-class twit. And so on and so forth, going back for hundreds and hundreds of years of twits, twits and more twits.

As was common with upper-class twits, Lord Grandiose lived in a humongous country house called GRANDIOSE HALL. It had been in the family for generations. Passed from twit to twit. So, what makes an upper-class twit? Well, first of all, Granville didn't laugh exactly. If he found something funny, like the misfortune of poor people, he would snort. "SNORT! SNORT! SNORT! JOKES!" Second, because he was rich and posh, Granville thought he could do whatever he liked. As a result, he would constantly belch boisterously when out at restaurants. "BURP!"

If anyone dared to complain, the twit would instantly buy the restaurant and have them thrown out! Third, the buttons on his waistcoats were often pinging off as he always ate too much and his tummy grew rounder and rounder daily. TWONG! Fourth, if you peered into one of Granville's ears, you might see what you thought was a pea rolling around inside his head. Do NOT be alarmed. This would, in fact, be his brain. RATTLE! Fifth, Granville would point champagne bottles at his servants, and then open them. POP! The cork would fly out like a bullet. And hit them on the bottom. "OWEE!"

Sixth, if the gates to GRANDIOSE HALL were shut at night, and he couldn't be bothered to get out of the car to open them, he would ram the Rolls-Royce through them at speed. ZOOM! KERCHUNG! Seventh, Granville did absolutely nothing for himself. His butler even had to squirt toothpaste on to his toothbrush, and still he never, ever cleaned his teeth. SQUIRT! Eighth, even though he had a remote control for the television set, Granville always rang a bell for the butler to come to change the channel for him. TINKLE! "HORSE RACING! NOW!" Tenth, what happened to ninth? Ninth, oh, there you are. Counting to ten isn't easy for upper-class twits.

One day, Lord Grandiose met a young lady who was just as GHASTLY as he was. Her name was Lady Lavonia Lavish. It was love at first sight. Lavonia was just as rude, ignorant and bad-tempered as he was, if not more so. She had become famous in upper-class twit circles for firing her maid out of a cannon to the next county when she'd brought her a cold cup of tea. BANG! WHOOSH! "ARGH!" On hearing this story, Granville knew she was just the gal for him. He spent a fortune throwing a huge party at GRANDIOSE HALL with mountains of caviar and rivers of