6 Miss Tutelage

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MISS TUTELAGE HORROR UPON HORROR upon horror. Just imagine if your mum was also... your teacher. It is the WORST of both worlds! Think: you are in your room, lying on your bed, listening to some music, when your mum/teacher bursts

in and demands, "SPELL 'EMBARRASSMENT'!" Or, even worse, you are at school in the middle of a Maths lesson when your mum/teacher bursts in and says, "Can I have your dirty socks and underpants now? I am nipping home to put on a boil wash!" And the entire classroom of thirty children laugh their heads off. "HA! HA! HA!" This is exactly the nightmare that Thomas Tutelage was facing when moving up from little school to big school. His mother, Tudor Tutelage, was an English teacher at WHOPPING HIGH. the school where Thomas was about to become one of her pupils. The pair lived together in a tiny house bursting with books. There were books on shelves, piled up on the floor and stacked on tables. They were Miss Tutelage's passion, and one she shared with her son. Thomas was something of a swot, and always had his nose in a book.

His mother was an old-fashioned lady, who wore thick glasses and had an explosion of frizzy hair. The first thing anyone noticed about her, though, was her height, or, rather, lack of it. Miss Tutelage only came up to most people's waists. Thomas had inherited the same explosion of frizzy hair, the need to wear thick glasses and the lack of height from his mother. Of course, the boy loved his mum, but he did find her embarrassing at times.

She was the kind of mother who, when you were out at the shops, would ask every ten seconds if you needed a pee. Or say in front of your friends, "Now, son, did you remember to wipe your botty?" So it will come as no surprise to you that Thomas had grave misgivings about becoming a pupil at his mother's school. The night before his first day, the boy sat up in his bed and asked, "Mum, what's it going to be like tomorrow? Us both being at the same school and all that?" "Oh, Tiny Tom-Tom..." she began, putting down her son's hot milk and perching on the edge of his bed. The boy grimaced. How he hated being called Tiny Tom-Tom! "It will be magically wondrous and wondrously magical," continued Mother. "Just think, first thing tomorrow morning, we'll be sitting side by side on the school bus like two peas in a pod! Together we can recite all the times tables to pass the time! Or, even better, sing the Alphabet Song! A, B, C...! What larks!" NO! thought Thomas. He wanted to be laughing

and joking with the other kids on the school bus, not doing the two-times table and singing his way through all the letters of the alphabet! "Then Mummy can take the register!" she continued. "I've made sure you are in my class! And I won't need to call out your name, Tom-Tom- I can just say, 'Darling, are you here?' and you can reply, 'Here, Mummy dearest!'" NOO! thought Thomas. This was getting worse and worse. "Then we can share refreshing squash and yummy scrummy biscuits at breaktime! Fiddle-dee-dee!" NOOO! Nothing fiddle-dee-dee or indeed fiddle- dum-dum about it! "Now I know what you're thinking- I will be missing my mummy until lunchtime!" I WILL NOT BE THINKING THAT! he thought. NOT IN A BILLION YEARS! "We won't be missing each other too much, because we will have our lessons together, silly-billy bumkins!"