3 Barry Bovver

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BARRY BOVVER TO SAY BARRY BOVVER looked like King Kong would be unkind to King Kong. This beast of a man had:

A cauliflower ear (again this is unkind to cauliflowers) A buzzcut A broken nose A toothless smile Stubble as rough as sandpaper Arms thicker than tree trunks A super-wide neck (actually wider than his head) Thighs bursting out of his jeans Feet the size of ironing boards But his brain was the size of a ping-pong ball. Whenever he was called upon to use it, such as when asked to spell his own name, he would cry, "MY BRAIN HURTS!" Fortunately, most of the time Barry Bovver didn't have to use his brain. That's because his job was all about how

big his muscles were. Barry was a Strongman. He competed with other strongmen all over the country to see who was the strongest strongman of them all. In these contests, the strongmen would: Lift a double-decker bus above their heads "OI! PUT THIS BUS DOWN! I AM TRYING TO GET TO WORK!" Wrestle a rhinoceros "MOO!" Pull a tree out of the ground YANK! Eat a tank "BURP!" Perform a squat-lift, holding a walrus "HOOT!" Run a race with a fridge- freezer strapped to their back "GRUNT!" Flip a fire engine over SMASH! Do a staring competition with a hamster NIBBLE! Snap a train carriage in half KERUNCH! Do a tug-of-war with an aeroplane as it tries to take off "EXCUSE ME! I AM TRYING TO GO ON HOLIDAY. WILL YOU PLEASE LET GO?"

Just like Barry, all the other famous strongmen looked as if they'd been inflated. There was: Micky Might: famous for competing in only a pair of very tight red underpants. Chaz Carnage: he ate a shark for breakfast. Vince Vicious: legend has it he once head-butted a house, and the house crumbled to the ground. MUNGO MUSGLE: he only worked out his top half so he had the biggest chest and arms and the smallest spindliest legs. The Ogre: he only spoke in grunts. From both ends. PETE PUNCH: he could punch a hole in concrete, and often would

Gunter Girth: he was so wide he couldn't fit through any door. Dick Dense: famous for being the cleverest of the strongmen, as he once got a C in Pottery. Thunder Thump: his fists were bigger than his head. And the one strongwoman, Cloris Clout: she was the most terrifying of them all. Cloris could lift all the strongmen with one hand. And an elephant in the other. Whenever Barry entered one of these strongmen competitions, which happened most weekends at PUNFAIRS and in pub car parks, his family had to come too: his wife, Bianca, and their daughter, Brian. I know what you are thinking: who would call their daughter Brian?