1 Peter Pong

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PETER PONG THERE ARE HUNDREDS of ways in which parents can embarrass their children: Spitting on a handkerchief and wiping your chin with it.

"SPUT! HOLD STILL!" "YUCK! GET OFF ME!" Wheeling you around in a pram even though you grew out of it years ago. "OOH! MY beautiful IKKLE BABY!" "I'M NOT A BABY! I AM THIRTEEN YEARS OLD!" Making you put on a song-and-dance show every time your grandmother comes to visit. "DANCE! DANCE! DANCE FOR US!" "I AM NOT A PERFORMING MONKEY!" "DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!" Giving you a big slobbery kiss at the school gates. "MWAH!" "GET OFF ME! I AM COVERED IN SLOBBER!"

Dressing you up like a Victorian sailor boy for a family wedding. "YOU LOOK delightful!" "I LOOK LIKE I SHOULD HAVE GONE DOWN WITH THE SHIP!" Telling you over and over again that it was so much harder in their day. "We didn't have any sweets in my day, my lad. If we were hungry, we would have to suck on a pebble." "OH, GIVE IT A REST, DAD! YOUR MUM IS THE QUEEN!" Cutting your fringe with a pair of nail scissors. "HOLD STILL!" "MUM! IT'S ALL WONKY!" "WONKY IS COOL! ALL THE KIDS ARE DOING IT!" "NO, IT ISN'T COOL AND IT NEVER WILL BE!"

Telling all your friends at your twelfth birthday party stories about exactly what you used to deposit in your nappy when you were a baby. "When I picked her up out of her cot, I thought it was only a number one, but by the smug look on her face I knew it had to be a number two... "MUM!" However, very few parents can embarrass their child as much as this man. Peter and his wife, Penny, had a daughter, and they named her Ping. Ping Pong. That wasn't the embarrassing thing. The thing that was embarrassing was Peter Pong's feet. The man had the cheesiest feet in the world.* *WALLYFACT: For many years, the world-record holder for stinkiest feet was a little girl-Rita Reek. Rita could empty her school in seconds when she waltzed in wearing her flip-flops. The teachers and pupils who couldn't scramble out of the doors in time were knocked out cold by the stink. That meant no schoolwork for Rita! Hurrah!