9 Walter The Wasp

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WALTER the Wasp WALTER WAS AN unlikely bully. He was unusually short for his age, wore black-rimmed glasses and was always flamboyantly dressed with a velvet bow tie and a natty yellow-and-black blazer. Walter Never hit anyone-instead he would hurt people with his insults.

His tongue was like a wasp's tail: it could deliver a painful sting. The boy was a master at making up cruel nicknames for people. His Spanish teacher, Mr Gari, who was bald, Walter named "Garibaldi" A teacher with a beard became simply "The Gnome" For the wide Miss Tink he gave the nickname "Miss Tank" The flappy-eared Art teacher became "Ear-Wings" The hairy PE teacher was dubbed" Caveman" Dr Trunter became "Dr Grunter" as he always blew off when he bent over to pick up a pen. Miss May, who couldn't control her class, became "Miss Mayhem" The long-armed librarian became "the Orang-utan". The sweaty Head of Science he named "Puddles", as that is what he had under his arms.

Mr Fump the Woodwork teacher, who'd sawn off one of his fingers in a woodworking accident, became" Fump the Stump" Walter was a wit who had an answer for every thing. This infuriated his teachers. When his Maths teacher asked him, "If I have six apples in one hand, and seven in the other, what do I have?" "Big hands," replied Walter in his withering drawl. When a teacher asked, "Why don't any of you ever answer my questions?" Walter quipped, "You are the teacher- I was rather hoping you would know." One morning, the headmistress enquired, "Walter, why are you late?" The boy answered, "I was merely obeying the sign." "Which sign, boy?" "School ahead. Go slow."

"Are you having trouble hearing?" demanded another teacher. "No, sir. I am having trouble listening," replied Walter with a roll of his eyes. "If five people all gave you five thousand pounds, what would you have?" "A private-school education," Walter purred. "Walter! Why on earth are you writing your multiplications on the floor?" "But, sir, you told me not to use tables." "Walter! Where's your exercise book?" "At home, miss." "What is it doing there?" "Having a much better time than me." "Walter, how do you change centimetres to metres?" "Cut out the 'centi' part. Easy-peasy, pudding and pie!" "If you place a slide under the microscope and can't see anything, what might the problem be, Walter?" "You are blind, perhaps?"

"Sir, I regret to inform you that the dog ate my homework," announced Walter. "You expect me to believe that?" thundered the teacher. "Why would your dog eat your homework?" "Perhaps if I had smeared it with dog food first...?" Such was the power of Walter's dark wit that soon everyone in his school had been on the receiving end of his verbal slap-downs. One day, the headmistress, Mrs Cankle, spotted Walter tormenting a younger boy who had an unusually large nose. "Roger?" purred Walter. "What now, Walter?" "Does your nose always arrive five minutes before you do?" "WALTER! There you are!" interrupted the headmistress, wearing her favourite purple dress.