6 Honey the Hogger

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HONEY the hogger HONEY hogged THE bathroom. The girl would spend SO long getting ready that by the time she left the house whatever she was going to had long since finished. Often days before.

The reason that Honey was such a hogger was that she had the longest beauty regime in the history of the world. It was even longer than Cleopatra's, and she bathed in ass's milk. It was even longer than Elizabeth I's, who had leeches attached to her body for hours to feast on her blood so she could look pale. It was even longer than Marie Antoinette's, and she had a pouf of hair a metre tall that needed teasing every morning: No, Honey Flunk's beauty regime was epic. First, the girl would use a mud mask on her face, for which she stole her brother Horace's modelling clay. Next, she would do her own hair extensions by gluing spaghetti to the strands of her hair. Third, she would work on her tan using gravy granules. These she would mix with hot water and rub all over her skin until it was a deep shade of tan. That is why Honey, despite her name, always smelled a bit beefy.

Then it was time to go to battle with her nasal hair. This Honey would strip out with sticky tape. She would then put the sticky tape back in the drawer for the next person to use, complete with a selection of her nasal hair. A cooling eye mask followed. This was achieved by sticking two ice-cream cones on to her eyes. Finally, Honey would smooth down her eyebrows, using her brother's hamster as a brush. Needless to say, her beauty regime was so BONKERS that Honey always ended up looking far worse than when she'd started.

The problem for the rest of her family was that Honey would hog the bathroom for so long that they could never use it. There was only one toilet in the house, and her brother Horace was one of those boys who needed to pee every five minutes. Absolutely anything could set him off. It could be: THE SOUND OF A DRIPPING RADIATOR... TURNING ON A TAP... GOING OVER A SPEED BUMP... LOOKING AT A POND... WHALE SONG... DIPPING HIS TOE IN A PADDLING POOL... SOMEONE COMING UP BEHIND HIM AND SHOUTING, "BOO!" THE SOUND OF RAIN HITTING A TENT... SITTING ON A WASHING MACHINE DURING ITS WASH CYCLE... COLD WEATHER... WARM WEATHER... LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THE NIAGARA FALLS... GOING PAST A RESERVOIR ON A BUS... THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING YELLOW, SUCH AS BANANAS, RUBBER DUCKS AND. NEW YORK TAXI CABS...

Often, Horace would be caught short while his sister was hogging the bathroom. The poor boy was forced to use all kinds of receptacles in an emergency. And it was always an emergency. He would use: A goldfish bowl... An egg cup. Actually several egg cups... A plant pot... The plant promptly died. If flora and fauna could write letters, this plant would write an exceptionally stern one: To Whom It May Concern, The most unspeakable thing has happened. so unspeakable in fact that I cannot speak of it The result is I have died, which I have to tell you I am not happy about. Not one bit. Yours sincerely. A crocus As I am a plant. OOPS I am dead.