6 Honey the Hogger

HONEY the hogger HONEY hogged THE bathroom. The girl would spend SO long getting ready that by the time she left the house whatever she was going to had long since finished. Often days before.

蜂蜜霸占了浴室。 女孩会花很长时间准备，所以当她离开家的时候，她要做的事情早就完成了。 通常是几天前。

The reason that Honey was such a hogger was that she had the longest beauty regime in the history of the world. It was even longer than Cleopatra's, and she bathed in ass's milk. It was even longer than Elizabeth I's, who had leeches attached to her body for hours to feast on her blood so she could look pale. It was even longer than Marie Antoinette's, and she had a pouf of hair a metre tall that needed teasing every morning: No, Honey Flunk's beauty regime was epic. First, the girl would use a mud mask on her face, for which she stole her brother Horace's modelling clay. Next, she would do her own hair extensions by gluing spaghetti to the strands of her hair. Third, she would work on her tan using gravy granules. These she would mix with hot water and rub all over her skin until it was a deep shade of tan. That is why Honey, despite her name, always smelled a bit beefy.

霍妮如此霸道的原因是她拥有世界上最长的美容制度。 它甚至比克利奥帕特拉的还要长，她用驴奶洗澡。 这比伊丽莎白一世的时间还要长，伊丽莎白一世让水蛭附着在她身上几个小时，以她的血液为食，让她看起来很苍白。 她的头发甚至比玛丽·安托瓦内特的还要长，而且她有一头1米高的卷发，每天早上都需要梳理一下：不，甜心的美容制度是史诗级的。 首先，这个女孩会在她的脸上用一个泥面具，为此她偷了她哥哥贺拉斯的造型粘土。 接下来，她会把意大利面粘在头发上，自己做接发。 第三，她会用肉汁颗粒来晒黑皮肤。 她会把这些和热水混合在一起，在她的皮肤上擦来擦去，直到皮肤变成了深褐色。 这就是为什么蜂蜜，尽管她的名字，总是闻起来有点强壮。

Then it was time to go to battle with her nasal hair. This Honey would strip out with sticky tape. She would then put the sticky tape back in the drawer for the next person to use, complete with a selection of her nasal hair. A cooling eye mask followed. This was achieved by sticking two ice-cream cones on to her eyes. Finally, Honey would smooth down her eyebrows, using her brother's hamster as a brush. Needless to say, her beauty regime was so BONKERS that Honey always ended up looking far worse than when she'd started.

然后是时候和她的鼻毛战斗了。 这个蜜糖会用胶带撕掉。 然后，她会把胶带放回抽屉里，供下一个人使用，并附上她挑选的鼻毛。 接着是一副降温眼罩。 这是通过把两个冰淇淋蛋筒粘在她的眼睛上实现的。 最后，哈妮会用她哥哥的仓鼠当刷子，把眉毛捋顺。 不用说，她的美容方法是如此疯狂，以至于霍妮最终看起来比她开始时更糟糕。

The problem for the rest of her family was that Honey would hog the bathroom for so long that they could never use it. There was only one toilet in the house, and her brother Horace was one of those boys who needed to pee every five minutes. Absolutely anything could set him off. It could be: THE SOUND OF A DRIPPING RADIATOR... TURNING ON A TAP... GOING OVER A SPEED BUMP... LOOKING AT A POND... WHALE SONG... DIPPING HIS TOE IN A PADDLING POOL... SOMEONE COMING UP BEHIND HIM AND SHOUTING, "BOO!" THE SOUND OF RAIN HITTING A TENT... SITTING ON A WASHING MACHINE DURING ITS WASH CYCLE... COLD WEATHER... WARM WEATHER... LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF THE NIAGARA FALLS... GOING PAST A RESERVOIR ON A BUS... THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING YELLOW, SUCH AS BANANAS, RUBBER DUCKS AND. NEW YORK TAXI CABS...

对她的家人来说，问题是霍妮会霸占浴室太长时间，以至于他们永远无法使用它。 家里只有一个厕所，她的弟弟贺拉斯是那些每五分钟就要小便一次的男孩之一。 任何事都可能使他发火。 它可能是：散热器滴水的声音…… 打开水龙头……通过减速带… 看着一个池塘……鲸之歌…… 把脚趾伸进游泳池里玩…… 有人从他身后走过来，喊道：“嘘！”雨水打在帐篷上的声音…… 坐在洗衣机里洗衣服…… 寒冷的天气…温暖的天气… 看着尼亚加拉瀑布的照片… 坐公共汽车经过水库…… 想想任何黄色的东西，比如香蕉，橡皮鸭和。 纽约的出租车……

Often, Horace would be caught short while his sister was hogging the bathroom. The poor boy was forced to use all kinds of receptacles in an emergency. And it was always an emergency. He would use: A goldfish bowl... An egg cup. Actually several egg cups... A plant pot... The plant promptly died. If flora and fauna could write letters, this plant would write an exceptionally stern one: To Whom It May Concern, The most unspeakable thing has happened. so unspeakable in fact that I cannot speak of it The result is I have died, which I have to tell you I am not happy about. Not one bit. Yours sincerely. A crocus As I am a plant. OOPS I am dead.

通常，当他的妹妹霸占浴室时，贺拉斯会被逮个正着。 这个可怜的男孩在紧急情况下被迫使用各种容器。 而且总是很紧急。 他会用：金鱼缸…… 一个鸡蛋杯。其实是几个鸡蛋杯…… 一个花盆……这株植物很快就死了。 如果动植物都能写信的话，这种植物一定会写一封异常严厉的信：致有关人士：发生了一件最难以启齿的事情。 结果是我死了，我得告诉你我很不高兴。 一点也不。你的真诚。 藏红花，就像我是一株植物。哎呀，我死了。