10 Kung Fu Kylie

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Kung Fu KYLIE KYLIE WAS A girl who loved whacking people. Whacking people indiscriminately is guaranteed to earn you a place in a book about the world's worst children. The girl spent all her time playing beat-'em-up computer games, and watching Kung Fu films. Diligently she studied all the moves, and practised them in her bedroom mirror.

Kylie had no formal training in martial arts, but that didn't stop her from dressing in white pyjamas, tying a black sock round her head and going everywhere barefoot. In no time, Kylie had kung-Fued the three toughest boys in her school. A flying chop was enough to make Biggie scream for mercy. "HI-VA!" shouted Kylie. "Nooo!" A cartwheel kick put an end to the Plopper's glittering career in bullying. "HI-YA!" "HELP!"

And a poke on the nose reduced Pongo to a gibbering wreck. "HI-YA!" "OUCH! I want my mummy!" "Now you will all bow down before me- Kung Fu Kylie!" she announced in the playground after she had vanquished all three. Next, she turned her martial-arts skills on her teacher. When Mr Twig gave her an F in his Geography test, Kung Fu Kylie leaped off the top of the lockers... "HI-YA!" ...giving him a chop on the chops. "ARGH!" yelled the teacher, and promptly changed the mark to an A*.

Setting homework is something that the girl's Maths teacher, Mrs Plimplam, is unlikely to ever do again. The last time she tried, Kung Fu Kylie did a spinning kick, sending her worksheets scattering into the air. "HI-YA!" "NOOOOOO!" cried Mrs Plimplam, chasing after them. "My precious babies!" And when the dinner lady, Mrs Mung, didn't serve up enough chips for Kylie - and Kylie really, really loved chips - she was dispatched across the dining hall on one of her own food trollies. "HI-YA!" "GOOOODBYYYYYEEEEE!"

Kylie's own family was not safe from her kung fu. When her grandfather wanted to watch snooker rather than cartoons, Kylie announced, "Prepare to meet thy doom, Grandpa Ted!" POW! "Ow! Here's the remote!" Another night, Kylie's mother was munching her way through a box of her favourite chocolates, and refusing to share. "Mother! Bow down before the mighty power of me, the chosen one! Giveth me the walnut whirl!" "Never!" "Argh! Kylie! You horrible girl! Now me chocolates have gone everywhere!"