9 Competitive Colin

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Competitive COLIN COLIN CLONT HATED BEING SHORT. He felt everyone was looking down on him the whole time. In fairness to them, they couldn't help it. Every night Colin would lie in bed and curse his parents for being short and making him short.

"It's not fair! Blast my titchy mum and dad. Because of them I will never be tall," he would say to himself. "But I will show everyone that I am a giant among men!" Colin had to win at everything. Rules and fair play meant nothing to him. He had to be the winner. Number one. Because he was so competitive, Colin was not good company. When playing Pass the Parcel at parties, he would never, ever let go of the parcel, even if the grown-up in charge spun it round the room to try to get him off it. "I am not letting go!" For Musical Chairs he was even worse. Colin would stick a chair to the bottom of his trousers with superglue at the start of the game so he couldn't lose. "I am the winner!"

Once in a game of Hide-and-Seek the boy hid in a chest of drawers for a whole week because he was so adamant he would never be found, and that he'd be crowned Hide-and-Seek Champion forever. "Ha! Ha!" Colin would watch TV quiz shows and memorise the answers. Then he would watch them on repeat with his parents and shout out all the answers before they could. "I AM THE CLEVEREST!" If the boy was taking part in a three-legged race, he would borrow his grandma's wooden leg and strap that to his own leg. That way he wouldn't be slowed down by being tied to anyone else. "I won gold! Here's your leg back, Granny!" he would shout as he hurled it across the playing field at her, causing her to topple to the ground. "OOF!"

If Colin was losing badly at a board game, the boy would simply kick the board and all the counters UP in the air, and pretend it was an accident as he crossed his legs. BASH! "Let's just say I won that one." In sack races Colin would cunningly conceal a mini-motorbike under his sack and zoom past the other children. BRUAAD: When playing Musical Statues, Colin would dip himself in cement and let it dry first. That way he couldn't move a muscle and would win the game. The downside was that he would have to be smashed out of the cement afterwards with a sledgehammer. "Ouch!"

In exams Colin would make sure he came top of the class every time by using a mini-microphone, an earpiece and a boy with a pile of textbooks outside, who he had bribed with chocolate. "A HUNDRED PER CENT AGAIN!" In running races at school Colin would bring his own starter pistol along. This he would only fire once he had crossed the finish line. "I won!" BANG! In football matches Colin would tie the ball to his boot so he never had to pass it, and it would be impossible for anyone else other than him to score. "GOAL!"