2 Stacey Superstar

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STACEY Superstar FROM THE MOMENT she made her grand entrance into the world on the day she was born, Stacey Clog believed she was destined for stardom. By the age of ten the girl was convinced she should be the biggest star who ever lived. In her mind she had it all planned out.

Stacey would reach the very top of the entertainment world, sell millions of albums and be showered with awards. Then she would play herself in a five-hour movie of her own life, entitled quite simply Stacey Clog: The Myth Behind the Legend In her own lifetime a huge gold statue of herself would be erected in her home town, and a museum set up in her honour. The Clog Museum would not house any clogs. Instead it would contain Stacey's personal collection of gowns, awards and, of course, photographs of herself wearing the gowns and holding the awards. This would ensure she would remain famous for centuries after her passing, celebrated until the end of time. And beyond.

There was just one problem. Stacey had no talent. When she tried to sing, the noise she made was ear-torturingly painful. It wasn't so much singing, more Wailing. Despite her poor parents spending every penny they had on singing lessons for their fame- hungry daughter, Stacey never got any better. In fact, she just got worse. Every time the girl practised her singing, something terrible would happen. Once in her Music class, at the top of her school, her teacher leaped out of the window with his hands over his ears and fell five floors. When he was found on the ground, he had a look of relief on his face. When Stacey took on a huge ballad in the kitchen, her mother screamed and begged her daughter to stop. When the girl refused, and just started singing

louder, the woman hid in the deep freezer. It took weeks to thaw her out. If she practised in her bedroom, Stacey's goldfish, Beyonce, would leap out of its bowl, and her hamster, Mariah, would leap in. Singing in the bath one night, the tiles all exploded off the walls. Performing Christmas carols at a school assembly, the headmistress hit the fire alarm and the school was evacuated.

Strolling in the woods and humming to herself, trees would fall behind her. Hitting a particularly high note in a love song one night at the local community hall for a group of, thankfully deaf, old ladies, their cups Smashed, showering tea all over them.