9 Earnest Ernest

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Earnest ERNEST EARNEST ERNEST HAD MADE IT to twelve years old without once cracking a smile. The boy loved to be deadly serious all of the time. He was far too pompous to involve himself in anything that might be considered 'FUN'. Joy and laughter were strangers to him. He never watched cartoons or played games or went to birthday parties.

The other children in school would try to include him, but the boy chose to spend all his time alone, immersed in some incredibly boring hobbies. Ernest had an unrivalled collection of pencil-sharpenings and on weekends he would photograph traffic lights, then stick the pictures in a series of scrapbooks labelled Traffic Lights 1-217. However, Ernest's most favourite hobby of all was a guessing game of his own invention, where he would attempt to deduce what types of metal various objects were made of. "Mother, I do believe that said toaster has been manufactured from the metal steel," declared the boy one morning, as he sat in the kitchen with his long-suffering mother. Ernest's clothes were like a uniform. He always wore the same grey lace-up shoes, grey trousers and grey shirt buttoned right up to the collar.

In contrast to Earnest Ernest, his mother was a jolly soul. A large lively lady who wore brightly-coloured clothes with loud flowery patterns. However, her face was increasingly lined with worry about the fact that her son had never laughed or even smiled. Dutifully she picked up the toaster, and studied the engraving on its underside. "Correct AGAIN, Ernest!" she muttered with as much enthusiasm as she could muster.

"Now, Mother, let us move on to said toilet-roll holder. I do believe it has been manufactured from the metal aluminium." "Correct again, Ernest! What a splendid game this is. I never tire of it," she lied. Then Mother plucked up the courage to ask a question. "Ernest, I was wondering if you might want to go and do something FUN today." "FUN?" Ernest exclaimed. "Mother, what is this 'FUN' that you speak of?' "Well, you know... amusement." "Amusement?" "Yes. FUN could be anything, like... going to the zoo. Watching the orang-utans playing together can be very amusing," replied the woman. "I hardly think so, Mother," stated the boy coldly. "Said orang-utans are merely apes that are orange. What on earth is 'amusing' about that?"

His mother sighed and tried again. "Then we could go to the fairground. It's always funny looking at yourself in a hall of mirrors." "Mother, why on earth would that be..." Ernest could barely bring himself to say the word, ...FUNNY?" "Well..." It wasn't easy to describe such a thing to someone with absolutely no sense of humour. "Well, you look in one mirror and you are tall and thin!" The boy was unmoved. "Pray continue, Mother..." "And then you... erm..." Ernest stared at his mother, his lip curling in disdain. "...you look in the next mirror and, would you believe it, you are short and fat! Ha ha ha!"