5 TOTALLY UNCOOL

CHAPTER 5 TOTALLY UNCOOL The lunch line was empty by the time Alexander got to the cafeteria. He read the menu as he grabbed his tray. Alexander smelled a sharp, stinky odor. Ugh! What are they putting in those PBJs? he thought as he reached into the milk cooler.

But instead of a milk carton, he had grabbed an ear. "Eep!" A frightened janitor stood up. "Mr. Hoarsely!" said Alexander. Besides being the janitor, Mr. Hoarsely was the school nurse, secretary, gym coach, and bus driver. He was also a former S.S.M.P. member. And he seemed to be the only grown-up who could see monsters. "Oh! Alexander," said Mr. Hoarsely. He was holding a damp sponge. "I thought the m-m-m- monster had come back!"

"Monster?" asked Alexander. "The monster who did this!" whispered Mr. Hoarsely. He pointed to a gash on the cooler. "Late last night, something tore into this cooler and stole all the spoiled milk nine hundred eighty- four cartons!" Alexander frowned, thinking of the hole in the caboose. But that hole was roundish. This gash was jagged. It's like the thief used a giant can opener, thought Alexander. "The milk-thief sloshed sour milk all over the place!" Mr. Hoarsely continued. "And this smell is impossible to scrub out!" "Yeesh," said Alexander. "Good luck."

He left the lunch line and found his friends at a table. "Salamander!" said Rip. "Welcome to the stink- a-teria!" "Guess what, guys!" said Alexander. "I heard the caboose-crasher's honk again!" "Us, too!" said Dottie. "Earlier this morning." "Did you see the monster, Salamander?" asked Nikki. "Is that why you're late?" "No," said Alexander. "My new teacher kept me past the bell." "Yikes," Rip said, taking a bite of his sandwich. "So who'd you get?" "Principal Vanderpants," said Alexander. PPPPBTHTHH! Rip sprayed PPJ all over the table. "Vanderpants!?" he said.

"Yup just her and me," said Alexander. "Who did you guys get?" "I'm in Mrs. Clambert's class," said Dottie. "Rip and I got Mrs. Felix," said Nikki. "So," said Rip. "What's Vanderpants like as a teacher?" "Strict," said Alexander. "And strange. She has this white bucket..." He turned to Nikki. "Didn't you see it in her office before?" "Yeah," said Nikki. "She kept lugging it around last Friday. Pretty wacko." "Alright enough about our principal," said Dottie, grinning. "Look what I brought!" She took a pink cupcake from her lunchbox. "My party's not until tomorrow, but I thought we could sneak a taste!" She divided the cupcake into quarters. Three seconds later, it was gone.

"Mmm!" said Nikki. "Strawberry's my favorite!" "Yum!" said Rip, brushing a crumb from his cheek. "Too bad we can't, uh—" He paused, and began scratching his ears. "Are you all right, Rip?" Alexander asked. "My ears are itching like crazy!" he said. He scratched faster. "Are you allergic to strawberries?" asked Nikki. "No way! I eat them all the time," said Rip. "Are my ears red?" Dottie took a look. "Uh," she said. "They're actually turning... blue!" Alexander stood up. "Come on, Rip. Let's get Nurse Hoarsely." "Fine, Salamander," said Rip. "Just don't let me miss recess I have a perfect attendance record!"