5. Big Melvin Returns

CHAPTER 5 BIG MELVIN RETURNS The Turbo Toilet 2000 noisily smashed his way from classroom to classroom, getting closer to Mr. Krupp's office with each thundering footstomp. Melvin desperately searched the mangy, orange carpet for Mr. Krupp's stinky toenail, digging his fingers deep into the matted shag as the sounds of carnage got louder and louder. "Where's that toenail?" Melvin screamed.

Finally, Mr. Krupp's office door burst open. "A-HA!" shouted the Turbo Toilet 2000. "I'VE GOT YOU NOW, YOU ANNOYING LITTLE BRAT!" He reached down, grabbed Melvin by the foot, and pulled him toward his chomping, razor-sharp teeth. "NOOOOOO," screamed Melvin. "I'M TOO GIFTED TO DIE! I'M TOO TALENTED! I'M TOO—OUCH!"

Once again, Mr. Krupp's stinky toenail had lodged its way into Melvin's pasty, freckled skin. But this time, Melvin couldn't have been happier about it. Quickly, he reached back, untied his shoe, and slipped his foot out. Then, Melvin jumped out of Mr. Krupp's window and slid down the flagpole, with the Turbo Toilet 2000 in hot pursuit.

Fortunately, Melvin's Li'l Scientist Wristwatch had a built-in DNA extractor. Melvin inserted the filthy toenail into his watch and programmed a complete extraction procedure while the Turbo Toilet 2000 chased him back through town. As Melvin ran screaming, his watch quickly pulverized and sonicated the toenail cells, removed the membrane lipids, proteins, and RNA, and purified and isolated a single strand of Mr. Krupp's DNA.

When Melvin reached his bedroom laboratory, he quickly fed the results into his Mecha-Computer, which identified the metallo-organic, "super-powered" substance and began replicating it in a saline gel solution. The gel percolated slowly as it oozed into a glass beaker. "Hurry up, you dumb semiconservative genome replication device!" shouted Melvin, as the Turbo Toilet 2000 crashed through his bedroom wall.

"Gotcha!" roared the loathsome lavatory. He scooped Melvin into his gigantic fist as his wet, leathery tongue slid back and forth against his pointed porcelain premolars. With one final, desperate thrust, Melvin grabbed the beaker and chugged down its green, glowing contents.