2 Ch2-Say Good-bye to Sugar

Chapter 2 Say Good-bye to Sugar Mrs. Yonkers was really weird looking. She was wearing a polka dot skirt and one of those big foam fake cheese things on her head. "Howdy, y'all!" she said. She must be from Texas. People from Texas say "Y'all" and "Yee-ha" all the time on TV. Nobody knows why. "In my younger days," Mr. Klutz told us, "I used to work with computers. But Mrs. Yonkers is a computer expert. What are the children going to learn in computer class, Mrs. Yonkers?"

"Well," she said, clapping her hands together, "we're going to make our own websites, create computer art and computer music, and play virtual reality games. I'll show you some of my own inventions, too. I have so many ideas rumbling around in my head!" "Doesn't that sound like fun?" asked Mr. Klutz. "Yeah!" said all the girls. "No!" said all the boys. Actually it did sound like fun. I just like saying no when grown-ups try to get me to say yes. "Too bad there isn't a computer program that makes up jokes," Mr. Klutz said. "I could use one of them." "I'll work on that," said Mrs. Yonkers. "This afternoon I'll be seeing you kids in the new computer lab. But does anybody have any questions before I leave?"

"Why are you wearing a fake piece of cheese on your head?" asked my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food. "Isn't it funky?" asked Mrs. Yonkers. "I bought it on eBay for twelve cents. Plus ten dollars for shipping. Any other questions?" "Are you a nerd?" asked my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes. "That's not very nice, Michael," said Miss Daisy. But Mrs. Yonkers didn't mind. She pulled up her sweater and showed us a T- shirt she had on underneath. It said NERDS R COOL. "Say it loud!" she shouted. "I'm a nerd and I'm proud!" Mrs. Yonkers is weird. A few minutes later, Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Yonkers left. Guess who walked in the door next? Nobody, because if you walked in a door it would hurt. But guess who walked in the doorway? It was Mrs. Cooney, our school nurse! She has eyes that look like cotton candy, and she is beautiful. She wanted to marry me a while back, but I told her I wouldn't because she's already married to some guy named Mr. Cooney.

"To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Mrs. Cooney?" asked Miss Daisy. "Mr. Klutz asked me to help bring our school into the 21st century," Mrs. Cooney said. "How are you going to do that?" asked Miss Daisy. "Well, a big problem these days is that too many kids are obese," said Mrs. Cooney. "Too many kids are beasts?" I asked. I was thinking about beasts because I just saw this cool movie called King Kong. "Obese' is 'fat,' Arlo," said Andrea. "So is your face," I told her. Andrea probably looked up "obese" in her dictionary. She keeps one on her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is. I hate her. Mrs. Cooney told us that kids need to eat more vegetables and other stuff that doesn't taste good. "Candy and sweets rot your teeth and dull your mind," said Mrs. Cooney. "Did you know that a can of soda pop contains about nine teaspoons of sugar? They call it junk food for a reason." "What's the reason?" I asked. "Because it's junk!" she said. Oh. I thought it was a trick question. "How are we going to get our students to drink less soda pop and eat less junk food?" asked Miss Daisy. "I'm glad you asked," said Mrs. Cooney. She held up a poster that said SAY GOOD-BYE TO SUGAR on it. "Starting tomorrow, soda pop and junk food will no longer be allowed inside Ella Mentry School."

WHAT?????????????????????????????? Did I hear that right? No more soda pop? No more candy? Suddenly everybody was talking and whispering to one another. "They've gotta be kidding!" said Michael. "I'll die without junk food." "Life will be horrible," said Neil, who we call Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes. "This is gonna be worse than National Poetry Month!" said Ryan. "This is gonna be worse than TV Turnoff Week!" I said. "You boys are silly," said Andrea. "I think 'Say Good-bye to Sugar' is a great idea. I like healthy food. My favorite foods are herb-roasted chicken, fresh fruit, and baked soy chips." "Could you possibly be any more boring?" I asked her. "You'll feel a lot better once you start eating less junk food," Mrs. Cooney told us. "How about we give up vegetables instead?" I suggested.

"Arlo, you probably never even tasted a vegetable," said Andrea. "I did too," I told her. "I tasted one once. Then I spit it out." My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you eat too many vegetables, you get a disease called vegetitus. So I stay away from that stuff. Besides, green is a weird color. It's the same color as boogers. You shouldn't eat stuff that's green. That's the first rule of being a kid. I was so depressed about 'Say Good-bye to Sugar' that I could hardly pay attention during social studies, math, reading, and science. I wasn't even excited when Miss Daisy announced that it was time to go to the computer lab to see Mrs. Yonkers. All I could think about was soda pop and junk food. We had to walk a million hundred miles to the computer lab. It's in a trailer in the back of the parking lot, near the woods. We walked up the ramp to the trailer. We opened the door. And you'll never believe what we saw in there.