4. Going Last

4 Going Last Wednesday Dear first-grade journal, Mother and Daddy were not good sports about the note. They said it is not funny to throw someone off a sleigh. That made me laugh all over again. I got sent to my room for a time-out.

Grown-ups do not understand humor. From, Junie B., First Greater I put down my pencil. And I glared my eyes at May's head. She did not look up from her journal. "I know you're staring at me, Junie Jones. But I don't care that we got notes sent home," she said. "My mother was proud of me, in fact. She said that you deserved to get tattled on." I glared harder. Sometimes if you glare hard enough, you can melt people's heads. I saw that on a movie commercial once. It was PG-13, I believe. I kept squinting and glaring. But May's head did not melt.

Finally, I rested my eyes. I will try to melt her again at lunch. Just then, Mr. Scary stood up at his desk. And he said to put our journals away. "Boys and girls, today is the day for our first visit to the Holiday Gift Shop in the media center. Remember?" he said. "I sent a notice about it home to your parents last week." He smiled. "Today we'll just be looking at the gifts," he said. "Then, on Friday, we'll go back with our money and buy the things we want." I waved my hand all around. "Guess what, Mr. Scary? Guess what? My mother said I get to spend one whole dollar on every person in my family! And that adds up to five entire dollars!" I said. Lucille raised her hand. "I can spend all the money in the world,"

she said. "I'm rich." She stood up and fluffed herself. "My family has more money than you can shake a stick at." Mr. Scary stared at her a real long time. "Yes, well, fortunately, we don't need to be rich to shop at the gift shop, Lucille," he said at last. "Everything there is very affordable. Does everyone know what affordable means?" "I do! I do!" I called out. "Affordable means cheap! My grampa Frank Miller loves cheap." Sheldon jumped up. "Hey, my grampa loves cheap, too! My gramma calls him Cheap Old Ned." Mr. Scary did a chuckle. "Before we go to the gift shop, we're going to draw names for our Secret Santa gift party. That way, you'll be able to look for your Secret Santa gifts while you're down there,

too," he said. "We've been talking about this party all week. Can anyone tell me the most important rule about being a Secret Santa?" Room One shouted the rule together. "YOU MUST KEEP THE SECRET!" Mr. Scary did a thumbs-up. "Yes! Excellent! After you pick your name today, you must keep the name a secret," he said. "If you don't keep the secret then you're not really a Secret Santa, are you?" After that, he carried around a basket with everyone's names in it. And all of the children closed their eyes. And they picked a name. Only too bad for me. 'Cause I am in the very last seat of the very last row. And so—when Mr. Scary finally got to me

—there was only one dumb name left in the whole entire basket! And here is the dumbest part of all. My teacher pretended I should be happy about it. "Congratulations, Junie B. Jones!" he said. "You have the honor of choosing the final name!" I drummed my fingers very annoyed. "Okay, see one name left is not actually called choosing," I said. "One name left is called take it or leave it." I crossed my mad arms. "I hate being in this seat, Mr. Scary. I hate it, I hate it! I get all the bad stuff back here," I said. "Even on the very first day of school, I got the only crayons that were already used." Mr. Scary looked up at the ceiling. "Yes, Junie B. I know that. We all know