5. No Squirty

5 No Squirty Dear little piece of paper that I am writing on in my room, Today is Halloween. Only guess what? No seltzer bottle! THAT'S WHAT! 'Cause Mother said I am not even allowed to squirt people! And so how am I supposed to scare off the monsters and

witches? That's what I would like to know! Also, my clown hair is not exactly like Squirty's. Plus I couldn't even find a Squirty shirt. I do not have faith in this costume. From, Not exactly Squirty P.S. I would like to spray Mother with seltzer. I stopped writing and looked at my clock. It was already after dinner. Mother was in Ollie's room. She was dressing him in his Halloween costume. I crawled under my covers with Philip Johnny Bob. And I worried about my

costume some more. "I still don't know why I can't squirt monsters with seltzer," I said. Me either, Philip said. Squirting seltzer would scare their pants off. Just then, we heard a knock on my door. I did not say come in. But Mother came in anyway. That is a bad habit of hers. I peeked my eyes out of the covers. Mother was holding baby Ollie. He was wearing a cow suit. My grandma Miller made it for him for Halloween. Mother put Ollie on the floor. "Moo," he said. I made the cuckoo sign at him. "Come on, Junie B. Let's go," said Mother. "Without Daddy here to help, I'm running

behind. We have to hurry and get you dressed. Grandma and Grampa Miller are coming over to take pictures." After that, she got my bag of clown parts. And she spread them on the bed. There was a red clown nose. And curly clown hair. And big, fat clown pants with s'penders. Also, there was a giant bow tie like Squirty wore. And big white gloves. And a shirt with puffery buttons on the front. Mother fastened the buttons of my clown shirt. And she pulled the clown pants over my jeans. Then she put the s'penders over my shoulders. And she snapped the bow tie around my neck. And I put on my gloves. I looked at myself in the mirror. "But … but I don't look like Squirty," I said

real whiny. "I just look like plain old me except with very stupid taste in clothes." Mother smiled. "Well, of course you don't look like a clown yet, silly," she said. "You can't look like a clown until you've got your makeup on." After that, she turned me around to face her. And she told me to close my eyes. And she put clown makeup all over my face. When she got done, she plopped my clown hair on my head. And then, kerplunk! She stuck on my red nose. And she beamed real happy. "Ta-daa!" she said. "You're a clown!" My heart got poundy and thumpy at those words. I turned around to see in the mirror again. And wowie wow wow!

My eyes popped right out of my head! 'Cause I looked like Squirty, I tell you! I did a loud gasp at that sight. Then I bent over and tried to catch my breath. "Whew!" I said. "Whoa! Whew!" Mother laughed. "I'll take that as a compliment," she said. "I have to admit, you look a lot more like Squirty than I thought you would." I kept on breathing till I got my air back. Then, very slow, I raised my head. And I peeked at myself once more. Chill bumps came on my arms. I leaned closer and made a creepy clown grin. I did a shiver. "I am scaring myself silly," I said.