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Mom decided it would be a good idea to expose me to a foreign language early on, so when I was in first grade, she would put the Spanish- speaking channels on TV while we ate breakfast. Mom would repeat whatever they said on the television, but when SHE said the words they came out a little bit different. TENGO HAMBRE! TANGO HAMBURGERS! I ended up learning all sorts of phrases that weren't right. For example, the way you're SUPPOSED to say "What's your name" in Spanish is "Cómo te lamas." Well, I know that NOW because I learned it in my middle school Spanish class.

But when I was little, Mom taught me that "What's your name" in Spanish is "Te amo," which ACTUALLY means "I love you." I just wish I had known that before I said it to a million different people. Today, Mom played the first two Spanish CDs, but she got frustrated that no one seemed to be paying attention. So she switched gears and said we were gonna play a car game she read about in her magazine.

The game was called Alphabet Groceries, and you play it like this: The first player has to name an item you can get at the grocery store that starts with the letter "A." The next person has to come up with an item that starts with "B," and so on. If a player CAN'T come up with an item that starts with their letter, they're out of the game. Mom said I should go first, so I said "apple," which I guess was kind of an obvious choice. Rodrick was up next, but he said he couldn't come up with any food that started with "B." I'm pretty sure he was lying to get out of having to play the game, but with Rodrick, you never know.

When Rodrick got knocked out, the turn went to Manny, who came up with his word right away. BAPPLE! Mom started clapping, but I pointed out that "bapple" isn't a real word. She said Manny is just learning the alphabet and that we all need to "encourage" thim. I quit in protest, and from then on it was only Manny, Mom, and Dad playing. I really wished my earplugs weren't buried in my duffel bag under a pile of suitcases, because the next hour and a half was pretty painful. ZAPPLE!

All that talk of food was actually getting me kind of hungry, and when I saw a sign for a drive- through place at the next exit, I asked Mom if we could pull over. But Mom said we wouldn't be stopping at any of THOSE kinds of restaurants, because they don't serve "real food." She said fast-food places lure kids in with cheap plastic toys to trick them into eating sugar and fat, and we weren't gonna fall into that trap. Mom said she had a MUCH better alternative and handed me a lunch bag with my name on it. Gregory MOMMY MEAL NUTRITIOUS FOOD! FUN ACTIVITIES!

Mom said she got the Mommy Meal idea from "Family Frolic," which I guess should not have come as a surprise. Inside the bag was a tuna fish sandwich, an orange, and a little carton of milk, plus something wrapped in tinfoil. Mom said I had to eat my fruit before I unwrapped the tinfoil, because that was my "prize." But I wish I had just opened it right away, because I wouldn't have eaten the whole orange if I'd known the prize was a pack of math flash cards. Rodrick got flash cards in HIS lunch, too, and we could both see where this was headed. So before Mom could turn the next hour of the trip into a tutoring session, I pulled out one of the games Mom had packed in a big tote bag.