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I met my older brother, Rodrick, a few days after I was born. Up to that point I thought I was an only child, so I was pretty disappointed to find out I wasn't. My family was living in a really small apartment back then, and I had to share a room with Rodrick. He got the crib, so for the first few months of my life I had to sleep in the top dresser drawer, which I'm pretty sure isn't even legal.

我出生几天后就遇到了我的哥哥罗德里克。 在那之前，我一直以为自己是独生子女，所以当我发现自己不是时，我非常失望。 那时我们家住在一个很小的公寓里，我不得不和罗德里克共用一个房间。 他得到了婴儿床，所以在我生命的最初几个月里，我不得不睡在梳妆台最上面的抽屉里，我很确定这是不合法的。

Eventually, Dad moved his work stuff out of the room he was using as an office an made it into a nursery. I got Rodrick's old crib, and he got a new bed. Almost EVERYTHING I had back in those days was a hand-me-down from Rodrick. By the time something came to me, it was either worn-out or covered in slobber. Even my PACIFER was a hand-me-down from Rodrick. I don't think he was ready to give it up, though,

最后，爸爸把他的工作用品从他用作办公室的房间搬了出来，把它变成了托儿所。 我有罗德里克的旧婴儿床，他有一张新床。 那时候我几乎所有的东西都是罗德里克的旧衣服。 当我想到什么东西的时候，它要么已经破旧不堪，要么沾满了口水。 连我的PACIFER都是罗德里克给我的。 但我觉得他还没准备好放弃，

which might explain why he's never really liked me. It was just the four of us for a long time, and then one day Mom told me she was gonna have another baby. I was glad she gave me the heads-up so I could be ready. When my little brother, Manny, came along, everybody thought he was so cute. But what they don't tell you about babies is that after they're born, they have this black stub on their belly button where the umbilical cord was tied off.

这也许可以解释为什么他从来都不喜欢我。 很长一段时间只有我们四个人，然后有一天妈妈告诉我她又要生孩子了。 我很高兴她提前告诉了我，好让我做好准备。 当我的小弟弟曼尼出生时，每个人都觉得他很可爱。 但他们没有告诉你的是，婴儿出生后，他们的肚脐上有一个黑色的短段，脐带是绑在那里的。

Eventually, the stub dries up and falls off, and the baby has a regular-looking belly button. The thing is, nobody ever FOUND Manny's stub. And to this day I'm still paranoid it's gonna show up somewhere. When I was newborn, Mom put me in front of the TV for an hour a day to watch educational videos.

最终，短段干涸脱落，婴儿就有了一个正常的肚脐。 问题是没人找到曼尼的票根 直到今天，我仍然怀疑它会在某个地方出现。 当我刚出生的时候，妈妈每天让我在电视机前看一个小时的教育视频。

I don't know if those videos actually made me any smarter, but at least I was smart enough to figure out how to put on something I WANTED to watch. I ALSO figured out how to remove the batteries from the remote so no one could turn the educational videos back ON.

我不知道这些视频是否真的让我更聪明了，但至少我足够聪明，知道如何穿上我想看的东西。 我还想出了如何从遥控器上取下电池，这样就没有人能重新打开教育视频了。

But when you're a baby, you can't really get around a lot, so there was only one place I could hide the batteries. I think Mom should've let me crawl around on the floor more when I was little, because I was WAY behind the other kids in my playgroup when it came to the physical stuff. While the others were sitting up and couch surfing, I was still working on lifting my head off the ground.

但当你还是个婴儿的时候，你真的不能到处走动，所以我只能把电池藏在一个地方。 我觉得妈妈应该在我小的时候让我多在地板上爬，因为我在运动方面远远落后于我们组的其他孩子。 当其他人坐起来在沙发上冲浪时，我还在努力把我的头从地上抬起来。