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January New Year's Day You know how you're supposed to come up with a list of "resolutions" at the beginning of the year to try to make yourself a better person? Well, the problem is, it's not easy for me to think of ways to improve myself, because I'm already pretty much one of the best people I know. So this year my resolution is to try and help other people improve. But the thing I'm finding out is that some people don't really appreciate it when you're trying to be helpful.

I THINK YOU SHOULD WORK ON CHEWING YOUR POTATO CHIPS MORE QUIETLY. One thing I noticed right off the bat is that the people in my family are doing a lousy job sticking to their New Year's resolutions. Mom said she was gonna start going to the gym today, but she spent the whole afternoon watching TV. And Dad said he was gonna go on a strict diet, but after dinner I caught him out in the garage, stuffing his face with brownies.

SLORK SLORK Even my little brother, Manny, couldn't stick with his resolution. This morning he told everyone that he's a "big boy" and he's giving up his pacifier for good. Then he threw his favorite binkie in the trash. Well, that New Year's resolution didn't even last a full minute.

SUCK SUCK SUCK The only person in my family who didn't come up with a resolution is my older brother, Rodrick, and that's a pity because his list should be about a mile and a half long. So I decided to come up with a program to help Rodrick be a better person. I called my plan" Three Strikes and You're Out." The basic idea was that every time I saw Rodrick messing up, I'd mark a little "X" on his chart. Well, Rodrick got all three strikes before I even had a chance to decide what "You're Out" meant. PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH

Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I should just bag my resolution, too. It's a lot of work, and so far I haven't really made any progress. Besides, after I reminded Mom for like the billionth time to stop chewing her potato chips so loud, she made a really good point. She said," "Everyone can't be as perfect as You, Gregory." And from what I've seen so far, I think she's right. Thursday Dad is giving this diet thing another try, and that's bad news for me. He's gone about three days without eating any chocolate, and he's been super cranky. The other day, after Dad woke me up and told me to get ready for school, I accidentally fell back asleep. Believe me, that's the last time I'll make that mistake.