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People started grabbing at it, and somehow Mr. Tupa ended up with the miniature stapler attached to his ear. We had to pause the meeting so he could go to the nurse's office and have it looked at. I decided the stapler idea wasn't working, so I tried a different approach. The new deal was that if you wanted to talk, you had to raise your hand and wait to be acknowledged, which was a rule all the teachers seemed to understand. OOH! OOH! OOH! ME! MEEEE!

大家纷纷伸手去抢，不知怎的，图帕先生的耳朵上居然粘了个迷你订书机。 我们只好暂停会议，让他去医务室处理一下。 我觉得订书机这个办法行不通，于是换了个新方案。 新规矩是：想要发言就得举手，等被点到才能开口，所有老师都懂这个规矩。 哦！哦！哦！ 叫我！ 叫————我！

I called on Mrs. Shelburn first, who has a beef with Ms. Pritchard over a computer. The school bought a new laptop to replace a broken one, and they gave it to Ms. Pritchard. But Mrs. Shelburn thought that since she's been at the school longer, she deserved the new laptop. The two of them started going at it in front of everybody, and they actually had to be separated. I thought they each had a pretty valid claim to the new computer, but I couldn't think of a solution that would make them both happy. Then I remembered a story from Sunday school about this wise king who had to deal with this exact same kind of thing.

我先点了谢尔本夫人发言，她因为一台电脑和普里查德女士有矛盾。 学校买了台新笔记本电脑替换坏电脑，把新电脑分给了普里查德女士。 可谢尔本夫人认为，自己在学校任职更久，理应得到这台新电脑。 俩人当着所有人的面吵了起来，最后居然得靠旁人把她们分开。 我觉得她们俩想要新电脑的理由都挺合理，可我想不出能让俩人都满意的解决办法。 这时我想起主日课听过的故事，有位聪明的国王就处理过一模一样的事儿。

I told the two teachers that they could split the laptop down the middle and each get half. I figured one of them would just let the other have the computer, because half a laptop is no good to anyone. But I guess I underestimated how much these two teachers didn't want the other one to have the new laptop, because they split it right down the middle, and each took a half. RIPPP By the end of the meeting, I REALLY needed a break, but I wasn't off the hook yet.

我告诉两位老师，她们可以把笔记本从中间切开，一人拿走一半。 我本来想着肯定会有一方主动把电脑让给对方，毕竟半个笔记本对谁都没用。 可我低估了这俩老师不想让对方拿到新电脑的决心，她们真的从中间切开了电脑，一人拿走了一半。 咔嚓！ 会议结束的时候，我真的太需要休息了，可我还没摆脱这些烂事儿。

A few of the C-wing renters were waiting outside my office, and I couldn't even imagine what this was going to be about. Apparently, the police dogs got into a batch of Mrs. Jackson's oatmeal raisin cookies, so she wanted the police department to pay for her lost profits. But the police said Mrs. Jackson was negligent for leaving the door to her classroom unlocked, and since raisins are toxic to dogs, they wanted her to pay their veterinarian bills. And I didn't even know where to start with THAT one. Luckily, I didn't have to deal with it right then, because Vice Principal Roy came on the loudspeaker and said everyone needed to come down to the gym for a special assembly.

C翼的几个租户在我办公室外面等着，我完全猜不到他们又找我干嘛。 原来是警犬偷吃了杰克逊夫人做的燕麦葡萄干曲奇，所以她要求警局赔偿她的损失。 可警方说杰克逊夫人没锁教室门太大意，而且葡萄干对狗有毒，他们反倒要求杰克逊夫人赔偿兽医费。 这事儿我连从哪儿下手都不知道。 幸好我不用立刻处理，因为罗伊副校长通过广播通知所有人去体育馆开特别大会。

I had no idea what the assembly was about, but I honestly didn't care as long as I didn't have to actually do anything. But it turns out I was wrong about that. When I saw the gym stage, I realized why Principal Bottoms was so eager to leave school today. PUCKER UP, PRINCIPAL! I tried to turn around and head back to my office, but there was already a wall of students blocking my way. So I knew there was no getting out of it.

我完全不知道大会是干嘛的，说实话我也不在乎，只要不用我干活就行。 可事实证明，我想错了。 我一看到体育馆的舞台，就明白博顿斯校长今天为啥急着离开学校了。 准备好亲嘴啦，校长！ 我想转身回办公室，可已经有一堵学生墙堵住了我的去路。 所以我知道，这回躲不掉了。

And if you were ever curious about what it's like to kiss a pig, it's actually not as bad as you'd think. I'm sure I had a few more hours on the clock, but by then I'd pretty much had my fill of being in charge. So I left a note on the school secretary's desk and gave myself permission to leave a little early. FROM THE PRINCIPAL'S DESK I quit.

如果你好奇亲猪是什么体验，其实真的没有你想的那么糟糕。 我离下班肯定还有好几个小时，可那时候我已经当够负责人了。 所以我在学校秘书的桌上留了个字条，给自己批了提前下班。 来自校长办公桌：我不干了。