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Then I finally realized that Mr. Halper's Helpers were all the brainiest kids in our grade. Mom thought I belonged in Talented and Gifted, so she tried to convince the school to let me in. But I had to take a TEST to prove I was smart enough. I don't remember everything on the test, but I do remember one of the questions. Fill in the blank: Johnny is the best at math. Johnny is the best at swimming. Johnny is the best at reading. Johnny is

Looking back, I guess I was supposed to write down something else Johnny was the best at. But I really didn't like this Johnny character, so I wrote something different. Johnny is a show-off Even though I totally flunked the test, Mom was mad at the school because she thought I was smart enough to be in Talented and Gifted. But believe me, those kids are on a whole different level. I'm actually kind of grateful I didn't make the cut, because in middle school, kids like Alex Aruda have to stay inside during recess to do the teachers' tax returns.

I guess Mom felt pretty bad I didn't get into Talented and Gifted, but a few weeks later she told me some good news. She said I got picked by the school to be in a special club called the "Champs" that had secret meetings twice a week. Well, I was really excited about this Champs thing and was nervous when I went to my first secret meeting. But it turns out the Champs were just kids like me who had trouble pronouncing their "R"s, and we had to work with Mrs. Pressey on Tuesdays and Thursdays in the library to try to improve. I don't know who came up with the Champs name, but let me tell you, we thought it was AWESOME.

During recess, if the Champs were coming through, all the other kids got out of the way. The only kids who didn't like us were the Language Lizards, which was the group that met on Mondays and Wednesdays to work on their "S" sounds. But I think the Language Lizards were just jealous of us because they had such a lousy name.

Me and the other Champs were tight, and I really looked forward to those Tuesday and Thursday meetings because they always ended up turning into a free-for-all. But Mom got frustrated that I wasn't making any progress with my Rs, so she hired a private tutor to work with me after school. And after a few months, I could say my Rs with no problem. RAT ROCK RESTROOM RAINBOW RATTLE

Unfortunately, that meant I didn't need to be in the Champs anymore. For a few weeks I actually FAKED like I couldn't say my Rs just so I could stay in the club. But one day I let my guard down and slipped up. HAND ME THAT RED RULER, RANDY! From that day on I was an outcast. Even the Language Lizards didn't want anything to do with me.